You taught me a lot. I grew up and matured quickly with you. You showed me to do my best to stick to plans, to be structured with time, and to just be present with everything I do. I’m not as distracted by the world because of you.
You made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world, that I could be anything I wanted to be, not because it was taught to me, but because it was, "something [I was] born with.”
I remember your face the first time you told me you loved me. We were sitting on the grass underneath all those lights and I asked you what I always ask you when I ask for attention. Instead of giving your usual batch of answers, you just smiled and shook your head -- the one you usually do when you can’t shake the happiness off your face.
I remember the rush.
I remember how everything around us began to regress. The music slowed down, the lights around dimmed. The only thing in focus was your face, looking back at mine. I started drifting into this endlessness, this period of time where I couldn’t distinguish the difference between reality and fantasy.
“I love you Mary. I’m in love with you. I didn’t know how to tell you because I might freak you out, but I do. I’m falling in love with you.”
Whenever life felt too hard, my mind always went back to that memory. It always reminded me that life isn’t so bad, that love exists if we allow it to.
I remember the look on your face after our first big fight. You would clench your jaw and furrow your brows when you got upset. That day you didn’t. Your eyes were sullen and you were doing this slow side to side head nod -- the one you usually do when life hurt too much to shake it off. I never saw your face that way before; it was the first time you expressed pain to me. I was so used to you showing your exterior that that was the first time you allowed me to see that side of you.
I felt vulnerable with you.
It was after that day that I promised myself I would do whatever it took to make sure I never saw that face again. I only wanted to do my best to bring happiness into your life.
If I’m being honest, sometimes I felt like I was bending myself a bit just to make you happy. At times, I would feel like I was carrying more weight than I thought I should have to. For some other times, I felt like you were too.
I remember holding your hand for the last time. I say your name and you turn your face towards me. We have nothing to say, but I knew you were reading what we couldn't say out loud. We kept trying to find a reason to make the conversation last longer. It was easier to do that than to say goodbye, even in the silence.
I remember sitting on my bed after we parted ways. I could hear the murmur of music and conversation echoing from downstairs. The world felt quieter that day. Everything was just a soft hum in the background. But no matter how slow the world felt, I knew it was still going. I realized that in order to move forward, there was no other way but to go through it.
I remember once telling you that everything in life is temporary and this feeling won’t last forever, that there are people who love you and only want to see you do well and be well. I took my own advice that day.
I remembered to be brave, to keep going anyway.
author’s note: This post was once deleted a year ago, but I decided to bring it back to be more transparent on topics regarding my personal. I am sharing it again in hopes it brings meaning to others.